All Ways Always
by Jazzy Raveler
Summary: Sean loves Emma, but it takes a different kind of love to deal with an eating disorder. Does Sean have that? Or should she have stayed with Peter? Emma Wonders...All 7 chaps are short, angsty, and up. R&R, anyone.
1. Enter Anorexia

**Author's Note:**

Ok guys: anyone who's read other fics of mine, just know that this story is a little...different. This is a story that I _had_ to write because I felt that Peter-Although I love **_Sean_** for Emma 100 percent and not that jac-! That..._guy_.-deserved some type of recognition because he _did_ help Emma out at a time that I know, from personal experience, is very difficult. This story is the first one that I am writing about Anorexia and it is really close to me because of that...So, anyone who would like to review cool, but if not, that's fine too. I'm just really hoping this story opens the eyes of those who may not understand, but most importantly gives hope to any girls out there who have ever dealt with or are still are dealing with an eating disorder. I really hope that this inspires you girls to know that every one of you deserves to have a "Sean"-or God forbid, even a "Peter" (bleh!)-who will stand by you and let you know that there is light on the other side…

This ones for you guys...

**_Jazzy-Raveler!_**

**_Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi, Sean would be the one who helped Emma to begin with..._**

" _**All Ways"…Always **_

**Chapter 1: **

_**Enter Anorexia **_

Sean Cameron had been out of jail for about a month and as Emma Nelson watched the love of her life sleeping noiselessly on her couch, she gently slid the soft brown hair out, of his tense and unmoving face.

Somehow, The two were in Emma's house all alone; No Snake, No Spike, No Manny, _How'd this happen?_ Emma'd wondered when Sean had come over. She wasn't intending to be _alone_ with him; although, she found, that she didn't mind too much.

Emma and Sean had been sitting on her couch, eating pizza, and "watching" a movie, although he'd fallen asleep only shortly after the movie had come on. They'd been in the middle of making out actually, but Emma didn't mind; she knew that Sean had been through a lot and was really tired, so she simply leaned him back against the opposite arm of the couch, and pulled a blanket, one she'd knitted for him when he was in jail, over his tired, softly heaving, body.

Suddenly, a mound of thoughts that Emma had visited a few times before begin to freeflow through her mind. She had been thinking a lot about all this but hadn't been able to really_ really_ think about it, so a sleeping Sean kinda helped.

At first, Emma hadn't been sure that she could take dating Sean again. Sean Cameron and Emma Nelson had major history. They_ were _each other's history and there was no getting around it. Emma had quickly realized that staying with Peter, her boyfriend at the time when Sean'd returned, out of guilt wasn't worth it. Not to mention the fact that Peter admitted to her that he was the one who'd framed Sean, and gotten him kicked out of Degrassi, by putting drugs in his locker…

Still, as Emma sat staring thoughtfully at Sean, she couldn't help but to feel just a twinge of pain and guilt thinking of how while Peter had been there for her during all of her "body issues", as she'd told Sean when her asked her if "something happened last year" Sean hadn't.

Sean had left right after the shooting leaving Emma all alone to scrape up what was left of her life and try and find herself. Emma had never really _blamed_ Sean for leaving, knowing that if she'd had the chance, she would've left too; not to mention the fact that when he left? The two weren't even dating. But still the two had formed a mutual understanding before he left. He apologized for everything that they'd gone through and she accepted his apology. So, in short, she still loved him and rest of her year without him had been…complicated, to say the least.

The next year, Emma had promised herself would be better and so when she'd developed a crush on the baby-faced Peter Stone, Emma could already feel that something…interesting was going to happen.

What Emma hadn't known was that Peter would end up filming her best friend, Manny Santos, topless and emailing it around the entire school.

She also didn't know that this wouldn't change her feelings for him…

Soon, Emma'd been in a whirlwind secret romance with Peter, obsessing over her mother and step-dad's disintegrating relationship-due to the fact that Snake, said step-dad, had been caught necking with none other than, Peter's mom/The Principal, not to mention the fact that Manny, after being kicked out of her home, had moved in with Emma, and was just about as self-sufficient as Emma's 4 yr old brother Jack.

At only 16, Emma had been bogged down with worries and concerns that no normal 16 yr old should or would even dream of having; getting Keeping her entire house clean, cooked for, and running, helping Manny through any of her many issues, trying to maintain a semi-hostile relationship with the only father she'd ever known, secretly dating her boyfriend, and all the while trying to figure out why in the Hell Rick, the Shooting, and Sean, were still on her mind. Lingering like an unwelcome and despised song that she just _couldn't_ seem to stop humming…

Enter Anorexia…

Emma had needed that control, some thing one thing that she could make sure would go exactly the way she wanted it…

It was the only thing that noone could manipulate except for her…

Her body…

Slowly it had gone from a thought…

to an idea…

to an obsession, before spiraling into an allout deadly disease.

The way that she'd gotten so far Emma wasn't sure. It had all started out soooo simple…

Eating _only_ health foods…

Jogging and eating only _small _amounts of health food

Jogging insanely and eating only small _bits_ of health food….

Jogging obsessively and not eating _at all_…

Now and then eating something so insane, so…diet-_unraveling_ that she'd have to-_Have_ to…she'd always told herself…

Purge.

Manny had gotten involved in it too.

But, not as involved as Emma.

And that day when Manny'd had abandoned her

Refusing to throw up the slice of pizza she'd just eaten and leaving Emma in the bathroom saying "There's a little too much _crazy_ in here!"?

That was the first day that Emma had been in confirmed and complete denial.

She wasn't sick…

Manny was the one…

And she'd stumbled out into the hallway about to tell her as much, when suddenly Everything had blackened,

And she felt her body pressing up against something hard and cold.

Waking up in the high school hallway with your face pressed to the sticky, dirty floor?

_Should_ be a wake-up call.

But for Emma?

It was almost a high

Noone knew…

Noone had any control over the situation except for her

And _now_…?

Now, Emma was going to make sure that everything with her body went exactly according to plan…


	2. Pulling Away

**Chapter 2: **

_**Pulling Away **_

Tuning back in to the stirring young man beside her, Emma turned and looked at Sean to see that he was smiling at her from his side of the couch…

"Hey." He whispered sleepily,

"Hey." She whispered back with a smile,

Sean sat up suddenly, a worried look on his face

"Are you, ok?"

"I'm fine." Emma nodded leaning and softly, kissing him.

Sean looked at her for a moment before nodding.

"Ok," and then leaning back against the arm of the couch that he'd been on he motioned for her to join him, holding out his arms and awaiting the impact of her soft blonde hair against him.

"Um, hold on…I'm kinda thirsty…" Emma said standing up quickly and feeling a little confused.

Sean sat up and watched as his girlfriend seemed to stumble almost into the kitchen. "Em?" he called carefully…"Are yo-?" Emma quickly back-stepped into the room with her boyfriend smiling "Sean! Hold on ok? I'll be right back…do you want a glass?" "Uh, no thanks. I'm cool." Sean said, Emma flashed him a flirtatious smile wish seemed to satisfy him and he smiled himself leaning back against the couch arm.

Her smile vanished as soon as she had walked over to the sink. Emma couldn't seem to get herself out of these thoughts….they were pulling away at her and she was pulling away from Sean. The problem was that Emma wasn't sure _why _she was pulling away from Sean.

But, after she'd pulled a glass from the cabinet and turned on the sink, a painful memory begin to flow into her mind just as the water flowed into the sink…


	3. Reasoning With Doubts

**Chapter 3: **

_**Reasoning With Doubts **_

Emma remembered that day like it was just yesterday…

* * *

She'd come inside from running and she washed her face violently with water. She was pale and sweating and felt like she was about to drop dead. Having just pretty much broken up with Peter while the two were on one of their secret jogs, she'd finally realized that she couldn't do it anymore.

Sneaking around with Peter unbeknownst to anyone was bad enough, without sneaking around and not eating unbeknownst to anyone. Emma shook her head and doused her face with water, trying to convince herself that _Peter_ was the problem; not the fact that she felt so tired, and hungry; so lost and consumed and confused.

Not eating made Emma feel like…like she wasn't all the way…_there, _but somehow she still was. She sat down in the kitchen chair and for the first time in months she broke down crying. Nothing was turning out the way it should've been.

Even though her parents had gotten back together she was _still _miserable…

Even though she'd been able to convince Manny that she was eating and to get off of her case…

Even though she was soooo "happy" with Peter…

Emma was beginning to feel like maybe controlling when she ate, how she ate, what she ate…if at all; wasn't the kind of control she'd hoped for and she found herself placing her sweaty head down on the table, just wishing that someone would come in at that moment and hold her…

Tell her it was gonna be ok…

And that, no, she wasn't crazy, and off, and out of her mind to be doing this to herself…

Someone who'd always made her feel…safe, if nothing else.

Someone like…

Sean Cameron…

* * *

There it was, Emma remembered, _that _was the memory of her last year that was making her so reluctant to be with Sean; to get close to him. Even when she'd been in one of her desperate fits, she'd wanted him soooo badly and still she he wasn't there for her…

But who had been there when it had finally gotten to be too much?

Peter.

Who'd been there when she'd felt like throwing up, when she'd felt that she couldn't eat another bite?

Peter.

It hadn't been Sean, it had been Peter and slowly Emma was beginning to realize that maybe she didn't feel so safe with Sean Cameron anymore. Maybe it was Peter who really made her feel safe; made her feel like she'd be able to make it through the year without dying from what could very easily be interpretated by some, as suicide.

Emma would have killed herself with Anorexia, she knew, if it hadn't been for Peter Stone, and that memory was enough for her to have at least a little bit of doubt and guilt about being here with Sean Cameron, boyfriend of the year, instead of wherever the hell Peter Stone, jackass of the year, was, with him.


	4. Noticeable Differences

**Chapter 4: **

_**Noticeable Differences **_

"Emma?" Sean said as he stepped up beside her and pulled her hair aside so he could see her face "Are you sure _you're_ ok?" Emma whipped around flashing another fake smile at Sean "Sure, I'm sure. I was just getting water."

Sean didn't buy it and his eyes flashed towards the sink. "Emma, you've been in here for like 15 minutes." He said as he gently pulled the glass out of her hands and turned off the running faucet. He pulled her towards the kitchen table with him and sitting her down in a chair, sat down across from her at the kitchen table.

"Now, tell me…_what's_ wrong?"

Emma looked at Sean; took everything in…his watery blue-green eyes, his slightly curly, almost shoulder-length brown hair, and his…worried expression; the same worried expression Emma'd remembered, that seen so many times before on the face of another boy…

* * *

"Emma? _What are you **doing**!_" Peter yelled, as he banged on the bathroom door.

"Um, do you really need to know that!" Emma yelled back angrily. In reality, she was kneeling in front of the toilet waiting for the courage to come over her to just _do it_ already. _Just_ _do it_. She'd kept thinking but, somehow, she couldn't.

Emma had been home alone for the first time in months and she successfully had everyone fooled, everyone thought she was sooooo over this…

Or at least, everyone thought she was over it enough, to were they could leave her alone for a few minutes without her finding her way into her bathroom…

Leaning over the toilet and trying to will herself to…

_Just _do _it_.

But, Peter had called. At first, Emma had just let her cell ring. Then she'd pulled the cell out of her purse; which she'd brought into the bathroom with her, gripping it tightly knowing that if she held onto it, she couldn't do _other_ things with her hands.

Emma stared at the cell for a moment before deciding that she'd much rather not talk to her worry-wart boyfriend, and set it down on the bathroom floor, beside her. _When he finds out I'm home alone,_ _he'll just think I'm throwing up or something!_ Emma'd thought, before considering the fact that technically, he'd have been right.

Shortly after the missed called she'd been startled by the sound of steps rushing down the stairs and then a fist banging wildly at the door.

"Yeah, Emma! I _do_ need to know!" Peter yelled in an angry retort to Emma's sarcasm, before Emma could think of anything else to say. Deciding quickly that it would be in her best interest to flush the toilet and walk out acting as though she'd just been using the bathroom, Emma did just that, picked up her purse and yanked open the bathroom door, greeting her worried boyfriend with a triumphant look.

"Here she is; full of food and life." Emma stated irately, as she walked past Peter and sat down on her bed. Peter slowly looked at her and then turning back around, he walked into and disappeared for a moment in the bathroom.

Emma called out in an annoyed tone "Peter? I don't know what you're looking for but you're not going to…" but stopped short as Peter walked out looking at her strangely.

"How long have you been here? By yourself?" Emma rolled her eyes "About 15 minutes Mr. _Para_-noid." Peter's look became a little more strange and suspicious and he stepped towards her, peering curiously into her eyes. "And…did you go to sleep…or something?" Emma wasn't sure what he was getting at, but becoming more and more irritated she said "No Peter; I have not been sleep." "Then…" "I was just-" Emma glanced quickly at some book Manny had been reading and picked it up " Reading !"

Peter shook his head slowly and he moved his hands from behind his back to reveal the phone that Emma'd left on the bathroom floor. "Then why didn't you answer?" he stated looking very hurt. "And, why'd you have the cell phone in the bathroom with you?" "Peeeetttteeerrr!" Emma whined, trying to manipulate him and change the subject "Come on, just-" "Emma you were about to throw up…weren't you?" Peter stated plainly in a disturbed, concerned tone.

For some reason, possibly because someone hadn't accused her of this in a while, Emma could feel herself crying, shaking, and suddenly she was so scared of what she would have sunken back into if Peter hadn't stopped her. "I'm so sorry!" she said as she fell into his welcoming arms. "I'm soooo scared Peter! What if you hadn't been here! What if I-"

"It's ok Em. I _am_ here…alright?" Peter said as he rocked her back and forth gently.

"I'm _here_."

* * *

"Emma?" Sean said as he gripped his girlfriend's hand tightly and shook her out of her memory. "_What_ is wrong?" Emma looked at Sean, glanced in his worried eyes and almost felt like crying.

Why was she so incessantly trudging up these memories? These thoughts that could never help her now and were only making her feel horrible?

"I'm just…I'm just a little…_worried_; that's all." She stammered out finally.

"About what?" Sean asked as he leaned in towards her, with a look of deep concern.

Emma thought about this…

What could she _really_ say…?

That she was reminiscing about her dark days when Peter was there for her and not Sean?

That she was thinking about the fact that if Sean hadn't come back and screwed her emotions all up, Peter would probably still be here with her, watching out for her, and making her feel just a little bit saner and safer than she'd been feeling in the years since Sean had left?

That it was so scary to her to think that if she did relapse, if she did have another bout, or suddenly get into some situation that proved too much for her, she'd probably end up right back, _there_ again?

The night sweats?

The shaking?

The throwing up?

Not to mention that almost dead feeling she'd get every night before sleeping, hoping that after she'd closed her eyes, she'd actually get the chance to open them again?

Emma shook her head "Just…_school_ and stuff you know?" she said and she waited.

Waited to see if Sean would buy it, knowing Peter wouldn't have. Waited to see if Sean still had any of the same…Seanness he'd had when they'd last dated, and he'd been able to tell her exactly what she needed to hear; especially when she was lying to herself.

But, he didn't and said simply "Oh." With a look of relief,

"Well, don't ok?" Sean said as he leaned in and kissed her.

"Come on! I'm up now; we can watch the movie." He called as he walked into the living room leaving her speechless and bogged down by more depressing thoughts…


	5. No Fear

**Chapter 5: **

_**No Fear **_

This was _not _the same Sean, Emma decided as she stood up and walked over to the counter a little shaken.

She'd been so sure that Sean would see through her. So sure that he'd prove to be ten times better than Peter in every way, that she hadn't even given her Anorexia issue a second thought when she and Sean had begun dating again.

But,_ now_?…Now that she was suddenly having _that_ urge, having eaten way _too _much pizza?…Now? Emma wanted nothing more than to go back in time, take back that forbidden kiss that she'd first shared with the backagain Sean, and just _be_ with Peter.

Safe, untrusting, thereforher Peter, whom she'd screwed over to be with clueless, loving, but unsuspecting, Sean.

Emma couldn't kid herself, she loved Sean. She always had and she always would; but now? Now, she felt scared and alone and lost and she wasn't thinking about Sean. She was thinking about herself and how Sean would be just as easy to manipulate as everyone else. How under his unwatchful eye, she'd be able to do whatever she wanted- jog obsessively, throw up, starve, -whenever she wanted and that thought scared her violently…

No idea how she'd even gotten down stairs, Emma sat on her bed and stared at the bathroom door, shivering as though something was going to jump out at her.

Emma stood up and walked toward the door, the light beckoning to her, her full stomach uncooperatively seeming to become fuller and fuller, and her mind going blank; once again washing away the fear that had been stopping her…

The fear of hurting herself…

The fear of wasting away…

The fear of death…

Emma was almost in a sleeplike state as she stepped closer to the toilet, knowing how her walk would end…

But, suddenly,

Emma felt something wrapping around her…

Was she going crazy?

Another panic attack?

Another crazed sensation?

No…

It was arms

Arms were wrapping around her…

Strong…

And safe…

And loving arms…

_Sean's_ arms…

And he hugged back to his chest tightly

As he pulled her away from the bathroom,

And the horrible way, that Emma'd thought for sure, her walk would end in.


	6. The Look

**Chapter 6: **

_**The Look… **_

"**_Em-ma?_** _What_ were you about to **_do_**...?!" Sean asked, his voice choked with emotion and fear, thinking of the look that he'd seen in Emma's frozen, ghostly eyes as she'd walked toward the bathroom.

Sean had noticed the strange look on Emma's face earlier and decided to wait and see if she was okay when she came back in the living room. When she didn't come back he'd followed her down the stairs and stood watching for a moment as she headed for the bathroom, before realizing for certain, _what _was happening…

Emma could feel herself sinking back into his arms, and her mind raced but she couldn't come up with a lie. "I was-I was…" Sean turned Emma around to face him and said slowly but fiercely through his shivering teeth, "Emma?_ Don't_ **_lie_** to me, alright?"

Emma nodded, but she still stood speechless, for some reason, unable to process an explanation…

What was Sean _doing_ downstairs?

"Emma? I don't know…I mean, I don't know what I'm_ supposed_ to say. I don't exactly have a lot of…_experience_, with stuff like this…" Sean was saying, as he stared at the floor blinking hatefully.

Emma had been wrong, she decided, this _was_ the same Sean; and he had the same Seanlike way of dealing…trying to figure out a way to fix things that couldn't just up and _be_ fixed.

Sadly, Emma realized that there was no use in her trying to avoid this anymore. Sean just wasn't the kind of guy who could deal with a girlfriend still struggling with Bulimia…or Anorexia, and she'd have to admit that to herself, no matter how badly it hurt.

"Sean." Emma said tiredly, stopping any further utterances or stammerings "There's nothing you _can_ _say_, alright? It's something that I just have to…I have to deal with it myself." Emma said, stammering and she could feel that fear enveloping her…

Sean _couldn't_ handle this.

He was _disgusted_ by her.

He'd leave her, abandon her, the same way he had after the shooting.

Thinking she was better, Sean could handle, Emma thought.

But, _knowing_ that she was just a time-bomb _waiting _to explode?

Emma could feel the tears softly sliding down her cheeks as she said the words.

"I'm still…I'm still…getting better, Sean. I'm not…I'm not completely _over_ this, but I am _trying_ to get better." Emma said, and she hung her head as she added quietly "If you can't deal, I mean, if you just wanna leave, or whatever…I'll understand."

Sean just stared at her

Looking at her as though she were a completely different person;

Someone he'd never seen before;

And Emma glanced up at him; looking into his eyes and waiting for…_The Look._

The look of pain and disgust and fear that everyone seemed to give her whenever they stopped her from doing this again.

Whenever they caught her and apparently seemed to realize that she might just have hurt herself, in a way they couldn't understand, once again…

But…In _Sean's _eyes?...

There was no pain…

Or disgust

Only…

Only…?

Fear.


	7. Ways

**Chapter 7: **

_**"Ways" **_

Emma stared at Sean, waited for him to say something...anything. That he was too scared to deal with this. That he was too unstable; he had after all just gotten out of jail. That he didn't know her anymore. Anything

But Sean didn't say anything, he just shook his head his eyes watering, slowly. _It's too hard!_, Emma thought, tearfully,_ Too hard for him to break up with me, but he's going to!_

Emma could feel herself shaking, and she turned to run away from Sean, rush up the stairs and cry her eyes out, not wanting to believe that she'd ruined her _brand-new_ relationship with the love of her life, all because of some stupid memories about Peter.

All because of her stupid self, being so scared of Sean not being able to deal with her..."body issues" that she'd found her way down here in the dark and lonely basement, to subconsciously try and force Sean to see that he_ couldn't_ deal with her.

And to just leave, already.

But, before Emma could take too many trembling steps toward the stairs, Sean grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him, embracing her in a frantic and unrelenting, hug.

When Sean finally let her go and Emma stood staring into Sean's eyes he said,

"_Emma_? I'm not _going **any**-where_, alright?" as he shook his head at Emma as though he couldn't believe she'd even _suggested _this thought. "And, I don't know-I don't _care _how long this takes. Today or-or tomorrow, or _years_ even. I mean, I can't say it's not _scary_, Em…" he said and the fear seemed to cloud his blue-green eyes gray before he went on "But…I'm _with_ you on this. I just-I don't want to lose you, alright?"

Emma smiled and nodded at him, her sweet and wonderful Sean, tears of relief and happiness rolling down her cheeks. But, she couldn't help but to shake her head at Sean saying, "Sean? you're not going to los-" but, Sean cut her off, kissing her fiercely and she felt tears squeezing down his face and softly pressing against hers.

"I _just _got you back, Emma…" Sean said, as he pulled away staring at Emma heartfeltly. "And I don't wanna- I _can't,_ lose you again." He said in a quiet and pained voice that found Emma whencing a little.

But, she smiled inside and she leaned against her boyfriends arms…

"Sean, I've been doing okay, you know? I was just-well, I'm just a little scared. I don't know, no matter how many ways I can come up with, I can't think of any way that I can deal with this...by myself." Emma said finally, thinking of being without Manny, Peter, and her parents, and being saddened by the thought, but_ finally_ speaking what she really felt.

Sean turned Emma towards him again and said in a way that almost shook Emma to her core "You don't have to Emma. You don't_ have _to think of any "_way"_ to deal with this by yourself."

And Sean paused, gripping Emma's hands the same way he had when he'd been in jail and she'd come to see him, his eyes tearing up…

"'Cuz, I'm not going anywhere. There's no way that you can think of, that I'm not going to be here for you, ok? Whatever "ways"?…_**All** _"_ways_"? I'm here."

Emma nodded and smiled at him.

Sean Hope Cameron.

Her savior,

Love of her life,

And she shook her head at the thoughts of Peter,

_Yes_, he'd been there for her…

He'd helped her out when Sean wasn't there to…

And she'd be forever grateful to him for _that_, if nothing else…

But Sean Cameron?

_He_ was here _now_…

Just like he'd been here before…

Just like he'd always managed to be here…

In Emma's heart…

In Emma'sthoughts…

In Emma's dreams…

In every _way_

_All ways… _

_Always_.

And this was the last time, Emma realized, that she'd wonder if Sean could actually handle being with her the way she was now; unsure and scared.

"Emma, do you need to go…I mean, is there someone we need to call?"

Sean said suddenly, getting back his bearings and realizing that maybe Emma needed some other kind of help, other than just him standing here, loving her; but scared, and shaking.

Emma shook her head and leaning into Sean's shoulder she guided him towards the stairs.

"I was just…panicking a little. I'm fine…" she said slowly,

"I'll_ be_ fine anyways…as long as you stay with me till everyone gets back. You_ will_ stay, right?"

Sean nodded, a slow grin spreading over his face. "I'll stay."

"_All _ways?" Emma said, remembering Sean's heartfelt and touching play on words and glancing over at the boy who was walking slowly on her arm. "All ways." Sean answered with a nod.

"You're _really _sure?" Emma joked, poking Sean in his side playfully, deciding to try and lighten up the dreary mood.

Sean glanced over at her and then smiling, he reached down, sweeping Emma's legs and body up into his arms. Emma laughed and placed her hands around his neck and stared lovingly into his eyes.

Sean carried Emma up and out of the dark dreary basement and into the lighted hallway, kissed her gently and then said, very seriously, as he looked into her eyes, which, along with his, were filled with tears and fear but also, wonder and hope...

"_Always_."

**_Hope it helped or inspired. Review Please._**


End file.
